i want to do something dangerous

my mind is cluttered with a tangle of emotions again.

as much as i wish that that tangle was as beautiful as the tangle to the left, it isn't.

rather, it is much more complicated, suffocating, and perilous.

isn't it funny how even tangles can be modified with the word "perilous" as if they threatened the homeostasis of the world?

i doubt my value as a human being yet again.

it seems to me, at least, that society is increasingly measuring a person by his or her material possessions instead of by his or her talents, ethics, morals, etc.

that kind of judgement make me anxious.

←Branches, 2010: Descanso Gardens.

i want to be a successful person- a person as a whole: good traits and possessions.

i don't want to be valued just because i have such and such things.

previously i had not been so deeply affected but now i am very worried.

perhaps my greatest asset wouldn't be my personality nor my wit nor my kindness.

most definitely i shall be remembered as "the girl who got everything without uttering a word."

perhaps people shall even hitherto refer to me as a "heiress" or a "princess."

actually, people are already calling me "heiress."

it's so vexing.

let's backtrack a little.

everyone's life is complicated; that's a fact.

however, there are some people whose lives are just a tad bit more complicated than the rest.

albeit low on the scale of "complicated-lifeness," i happen to fall into that category.

most children, when they turn eighteen, get cars, plane tickets, lottery tickets, cigarettes, and other fairly common presents.

i, however, shall be blessed with the tremendous gift of 1/2 of the stocks of a restaurant, 100% of stocks for another restaurant, two houses and a car and yet, i'm complaining.

sure, at the surface, it seems like a very generous gift package but underneath that greasy "cloud of wealth" lies an even more generous gift package of RESPONSIBILITIES.

no, no. i don't want those.

no, no. i don't even know how to deal with my current responsibilities.

i can't, i can't.

i can't say no. i must.

i have to take my mom's fall.

she can't handle everything by herself and i'm the only person she trusts.

i don't mind helping her; i am, however, anxious about her motives.

no, it's not that i don't trust my own mother; rather, i'm afraid of what's in store for me.

even though in reality i'll probably need to be nothing more than just a paperweight atop of all her assets, i still wonder what i'll do if something does happen.

why do i think that something bad will happen?

something bad has already happened.

since she and i both don't know what the future will bring, in order to escape from the current circumstances, she will transfer everything she has to me.

although i will be nothing but a lame duck, the position still comes with measurable risks.

i don't want to be the one dealing with all the legal mumbo jumbo.

just because my english is better than her english doesn't mean i understand any more of the paperwork than she does.

i'm afraid that... under me, those things that she has worked so hard for will go to waste.

i've never been very "on top" of anything.

moreover, i'm basically the QUEEN of procrastination.

i probably can't bring the businesses to fruition, nor can i solve any of their legal and financial problems.

i'm really just a useless human being.

i can't handle the stress of maturity.

if i have to mature and grow up quickly regardless, then i want to do something dangerous.

i don't know what exactly, but i want to be able to abuse the underage law.

oh, i won't steal, nor will i murder anybody.

i just want to have a bit of fun before my time in neverland expires.

Posted by miyavicake at 1:49 PM